Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented
to calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
FRANK LAUGHS
Scatter.
Party...
(Mimi) My granddad used to keep pigeons.
Flying rats, me ma called them.
Kept threatening to torch the cage
because she was sick of cleaning up shit in the yard.
WAILS AND SOBS
But I loved them.
They could go wherever they wanted,
as far as they could be arsed to fly.
And at the end of the day, they always came home.
One of these pigeons was a right little scally, though.
Would fly off in a straight line and keep going.
The number of times Granddad got the train down south to pick him up!
Trouble is, even family can stray too far.
MAN CRIES OUT IN PAIN
SHE SCREAMS
Fuck!
Easy mistake, granted, but the last time you clowns make it.
- Go on, get. - Come on.
You smell of piss.
Where the fuck have you been?!
It's a long story.
Look at the state of you.
Have you any idea how worried I was?!
Not one fucking phone call!
It was out of my control.
I thought you were dead and...or gone...and...
You should know better than that.
I want every fucking detail, Paddy.
SHE SOBS
Right, we've got two coronation chicken, one crab paste,
three ham and cheese, one pastrami Swiss with no pickles on rye, and a tuna melt.
I hope it's tuna friendly.
It's dolphin friendly.
Dolphin sandwiches?
Oh!
Here he is.
(Liam) Dad... Dad...
Monica...
You were dreaming about her.
- Who? - Mum.
She's not coming back.
Chip paper, son. Yesterday's news.
Come on, time to move on.
- Why? Why has she gone...again? - You're asking me?
I am not the abandoner, I'm the abandonee.
FRANK SIGHS
Once more, left holding the babies.
Plural.
On me own.
Everybody's on their own.
The only person you can ever really rely on is yourself.
You're not alone.
You've got family. We're together.
Family's a lie.
It's an excuse people like you use to keep us here,
and it only works until something better comes along.
Hey, hey, come here.
We'll be all right, kidda.
I promise.
Don't promise what you can't deliver, Dad.
DOOR CLOSES
(Paddy) I didn't take the money to the meet.
Why d'you think they held us captive?
What, so there's a shit-load of cash
sat in some hotel room in Spain somewhere?
Well, I could hardly go back for it, could I?
They were swarming the fucking place, looking for me. I'm sorry, sweetheart...
I've no appetite.
So why did they shave your head?
- (Paddy) I didn't think to ask. - So who was the contact?
Jesus Christ! What's with the 20 questions?
I'm lucky to be here at all.
Waylo's fucking shark bait.
How about a thought for his family, huh?
DOOR CLOSES Dad! What happened?
- Look at your hair. - I'm fine.
- Katie! It's so good to see you. - What happened to Waylo?
He drowned, you dickhead. You can't swim four hours
with a stab wound to your chest.
Who is Waylo?
I haven't a fucking clue, son.
Called in sick so we could make a start.
Oh, nice one, Max.
- Morning, Carlos. - Morning.
No, no, no, no... SHE GIGGLES
Hey! Hey! Get a room, for fuck sake. Trying to get a kid off to school here.
Oi, Liam! Coat! Lose that.
Dinner money...
I can walk to school myself.
Since when were you Liam's escort to school?
Come on, out. Out!
Ah, since he's supposed to be looking after Stella!
Fuck's sake.
- Single parent, sole responsibility. - Yeah...
Like you all are...again. More fucking kids than Angelina Jolie.
Don't swear. They absorb everything at her age.
(Frank) Oh, really? Richard and Judy tell you that, did they?
(Debs) At least he's making an effort. What have you done?
- After nine kids? Plenty! - Plenty?
- Don't fucking give me that, Debs! - You do nothing, I do everything.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER Auntie Iris is dead.
- What? - Auntie Iris is dead.
Who's Auntie Iris?
This is the last will and testament of Iris Gallagher.
Being of sound mind and body.
Hello, Frank! It's me, Auntie Iris.
Bad news - must be dead if you're watching this,
but I've had a good innings.
Auntie Iris!
We're cut from the same cloth, Frank,
which is why I'm leaving it all to you and the kids!
LAUGHING
You jammy bastard.
Have... Have I missed something here?
- (Debs) We're minted. - (Carl) How are we minted?
A four-bedroom house in Alderley Edge. It'll be worth a fortune.
- Hang on. - (Debs) No, Dad, you're not spoiling it.
This is our chance to get out, to be something.
He wouldn't be here, if he had the choice. Crap school's holding him back so much,
he'll be written off by the time he's my age. I could do anything,
you know, like be one of those posh bitches driving around in my 4x4.
We're minted!
KIDS CHEERING
See? Till something better comes along.
(Lawyer) There is one other thing.
DOOR CLOSES
This is Marilyn.
As a modern, consumer-focused business, we value customer feedback.
Could you fill it in and pop it in my box, love?
You'll be entered into a draw for a free hour with the girl of your choice.
Mastering Communication In Business?
It's no good the beaver not knowing when the cock's crowing.
What the fuck you on about?!
The boss, that's me, communicating with the worker, that's you.
Maybe it's my fault that you haven't done so well, love.
What the fuck's this?
It's your performance review.
Technical ability - six out of ten!
Team work - three!
Well, you are of a bit of a loner. You should join in with Trixie and Stacey.
Peer mentoring is an essential part of modern enterprise.
I'm sure you'll up your game before your next review.
Or what? I get the sack? It's a brothel!
- It's the oldest business in the world. - It's fucking insulting.
You know what? I resign!
You can stick your technical ability up your arse!
FLICKING CHANNELS
You lying fuck.
You were asleep for hours.
Catching up on me.
I've missed you.
SIGHING I've missed you too, angel.
That'll be the last trip for a while.
Fucking better be, if you value your testicles.
Need to apply for a new passport... and driving licence and all that shit.
Where does it hurt?
I'm fine, Mimo.
Just...
Please...
I'll put the kettle on, for when you're ready.
Sorry about that. I need you to find somebody for me.
So what, is he going to go back out there and get these fuckers, or what?
No, I think he's just happy to be alive.
I wonder why they just shaved his head, though, and not his beard?
DOOR OPENS
What's all this?
Inspection. Wedding licence tomorrow, need to smarten the place up.
- Is that tomorrow? - I've told you four times.
Oh, yeah, so you have.
So why the shit-eating grin?
Been to see my parole officer.
He said I've been a good boy long enough.
The council might be sympathetic to me getting my name above the door.
My name's already above the door.
Yeah, I know, but we can be joint licensees - landlady, landlord.
Hope you don't think I'm being presumptuous,
but I popped out and got the paperwork.
I'm up to my eyes right now. You could lend a hand.
Yeah, I will.
I've quit Lillian's. A point of principle.
I've got £46.23 to me name, Kelly. How much have you got?
What an amazing life. She played poker with Fidel Castro.
(Maxine) She were a showgirl in Las Vegas? The Rat Pack. JFK.
She were a right little goer.
Yeah, and with Gallagher blood in her veins.
Maybe we're not all doomed to be like Dad.
THEY LAUGH
Yeah, cos that would be tragic, wouldn't it?
No, I didn't mean it like that.
Finished dividing up the spoils, have you?
You got to admit, it's exciting. New life, and that.
Did you sneeze your brains out over winter? There is no new life.
- Why not? - Cos I'm selling.
You're not going anywhere. You're staying put.
Are you really that selfish?
No, no, no, no. I'm thinking about the family.
We're the family. And we're thinking of moving.
No.
You're prepared to deny Stella the chance of a better life?
That's a low blow, Debbie.
And since when was living in a posh gaff
more important than a babby being with her dad?
Since you were her dad?
Fine.
Flee the fucking nest, then, lot of you, see how far it gets you.
MOANING
So what have we got here, then?
Oh, no. We've been rumbled. Think of the scandal and the shame.
Leave that alone! Get off me!
- But we were so good together. - You won't get away with this.
Oh, I think we might...Mr Bennett.
You wouldn't want the wife to know you've been shagging hookers.
Or the boss. I'm presuming this is a business trip.
You could always call the cops, make a formal complaint.
Didn't think so.
The pleasure has been all ours.
Candy from a baby.
Mr Mastercard, meet Mr Visa.
All the children! Dad's going to shit himself when he hears about this.
No. This is our thing. It's fuck all to do with the family.
It all goes in t'same pot.
So your old man can dispense the pocket money?
Haven't had much of late, have you?
I'm out the door at Lillian's and it's us putting the graft in! Fair's fair!
OK, fine, but can you let go, please? You're twisting me nipple.
DOOR CLOSES
What's going on?
- He won't let us in. - Turfed us out.
Dad! BABY CRYING
I sleep at hers for one night and you let this happen!
- I didn't do owt. - I knew I'd get t'blame.
DEBS BASHING ON DOOR
- New doors are expensive, Debs. - Stop pissing about.
Go away. CRYING CONTINUES
I'm freeing you from the shackles of family.
I'm finished being the weight that holds you back from your wonderful lives.
Oh, don't be stupid!
Look, you can't blackmail us.
I can, and I am.
Go and see if the streets of Alderley Edge are indeed paved with gold.
Yeah, you look after number one. And take your brother with you!
He needs convincing.
I'm not going. What is the point?
Well, fine, we will.
- What, now? - Just to see what it's like.
STELLA CRYING
It's all right, it's all right. It's all right.
You're playing a dangerous game, Frank.
I know what I'm doing.
You cannot beat me.
I am the fucking man.
I am the man!
KNOCKING AT DOOR
Paddy? Are you on the phone?
No, sweet pea.
I'm...
..just singing to myself.
HE SINGS TO HIMSELF
PHONE BLEEPING
Mr Wallace? Waylo Wallace?
Oh, sorry to bother you.
SIGHING
Wrong number?
How long you been there?
Long enough.
Wanted to pay me respects to Waylo's wife.
It's not his real name, and even if it was, he wouldn't be in the phone book.
You were never in Spain.
We don't lie to each other. Golden rule.
And plenty more for a rainy day. Are you doubting my word?
What am I supposed to think?
Something's not right, Paddy.
Something's happened. Look at the state of you.
I've got a bug, is all. It's hardly surprising.
I know the consequences if I lie to you...for us.
Why would I do that?
Where are you going?
- Work. - You're not well.
I'm well enough to see the business is going down the shitter.
BUZZER
How far have we walked?
It's got to have the address.
I've checked ten times. It's not there!
Well, it's got to be round here somewhere.
She had a massive oak tree behind her on the tape.
That hardly narrows it down. This is fucking...tree world.
Excuse me. Excuse me, we're looking for a...
Afternoon.
Hiya. We're looking for a house.
Woman called Iris Gallagher, died recently?
Sorry.
She's got a massive oak tree outside,
like something out of English Heritage.
We're not gonna nick anything, you know.
You think just cos the way we look and talk, we're gonna rob you?
Oh, come on, you two, I'm not wasting my money in this shit-hole.
The nerve on her.
- Crisps? - Do you want a can?
What's going on?
He's designed a new cocktail. I'm going to call it the Nuptial.
Thought we couldn't afford any new staff?
Yeah, well, if I let him stare at my arse, he'll work for free.
Thinks I don't notice. We only need him for weddings.
Sorry, it's husband and wife stuff. Private.
I'm invisible. She doesn't notice me staring at her arse either.
Who in their right mind wants to get married in here, Karen?
Morning Pilates, breakfast opening, quiz nights,
Battle Of The Bands, theme nights, strippers.
Every one, my idea.
I got us into the pub league, didn't I?
Only so's you can have a game yourself.
A bit of support now and then wouldn't go amiss.
Got any plans for tonight?
I am a twice married, if twice deserted man, Karen.
I'm not so sure your spouse would approve.
- In your dreams. - Frequently.
I mean, you're moving, aren't you?
Oh, I see, bad news travels as fast as a skitter down a waste pipe.
You should have a party, you know, invite the regulars.
I'll even throw in a couple of barrels.
Karen, when have you out of the kindness of your likkle stone heart,
ever done anything for me?
Since I needed you lot out of here
when the council come around to inspect me for a wedding licence.
Deal?
Deal.
LAUGHING
Don't you walk away from me! Don't you!
I was a nurse. It's all right, Patrick, I know what I'm doing.
Please. Stop.
(Mimi) I don't know what to think.
- Something doesn't add up. - It's fellas, though, innit?
Need a map to the truth sometimes. No offence.
It's all right. I don't think of myself as a fella when I'm with you.
I'll get me fags.
Nausea, vomiting, hair-loss. You'd almost think that he...
What were you gonna say?
Nothing.
Oh, my God!
- Sit down. You got any aspirin? - Bathroom cabinet.
Shit!
Patrick, wake up. Patrick.
Big mistake letting me go.
I've had this question running round and round in my head. Our children.
Nature or nurture? Do you know what DN fucking A my kids inherited?
By rights, they should be inside or dead. But they're not. And why?
Because I've been there for them every step of the way.
So you ask yourself who was responsible for your little tootsie.
Me? I don't think so.
This addiction will not defeat me, you bitch.
You will not defeat me, you bitch.
How fucking dare you!
SCREAMING
Jesus!
Nurture over nature and your little one will be fine and dandy.
Everything else is just an excuse.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
SHE LAUGHS
PHONE RINGS
Dad?
I've just been to our storage facility.
It's bare of anything that sells at a premium.
Cos I shifted every last grain.
You fucking eejit! Never sell all your stock.
Always plan for contingencies.
- We're getting more in on Thursday... - Wrong. You get more in today.
I can't, I'm busy...
I'm busier. That was not a request!
Oh, fuck!
Well, well, well, what we got here, then?
Don't you people ever knock?
I would have put it outside the door.
Go easy on the starch.
You didn't have to shag him.
Well, you went AWOL.
Well, it were me dad's fault.
Doing my head in about getting some gear in.
What's his big rush?
Fuck knows.
We've been walking for hours.
If we pass a bus stop, I'm going home.
S'cuse me. We're looking for a house.
You'll need to be more specific than that, love.
Iris Gallagher, lived alone, died recently?
Landed on your feet working here, mate.
You think so? 12 hours a days working on me hands and knees
for minimum pay. Polish kids'll do it for half the price.
Yeah, all my birthdays landed at once, son(!)
House like that, must have a bit of bob.
Well, she's not short of a few quid. Lives by herself.
She rattles round the empty rooms all day
like the ghost of Christmas fucking miserable.
Husband fucked off with a younger model, she got the house.
Kids grew up and buggered off to South America...
Mrs Maguire?
- Sammy Allway! - Samantha.
I've not seen you since...
- Since you shagged Ben at my 16th. - Right, sorry about that.
Don't be, you did me a favour.
Can't argue... Bad breath, came before he was out of his pants.
I meant, you did me a favour because it made him realise
there was only one woman for him. We've been married three years now.
Council Civil Ceremony Department.
You've applied for a wedding licence?
MUSIC: Ruby by The Kaiser Chiefs
How was it?
It was bloody awful.
Let's hear you, Chatsworth.
You tell 'em, kidda.
# Ruby Ruby Ruby! #
CROWD SHOUT AND SING ALONG
# Ah-ah-ah-ah... #
You need to talk to me, Paddy.
I thought I had been.
I can help. We can get through this together.
Get through what?
I know!
It's nothing to be afraid of.
Stick together, we can beat anything.
It's not a death sentence these days.
Plenty of cancers disappear with a bit of treatment.
Cancer.
Don't be afraid to say it.
We're strong.
We are, Mimi.
We're strong.
Excuse me, darling.
Sorry, love.
Trying to cripple the competition?
Where is it?
He said tomorrow.
Come on, son, do your old man a favour, huh?
What do you want him to do, magic it out of his arse?
I'd have thought he'd have ripped your head off. He must be ill.
I'll get you a drink.
PADDY GROANS
Fuck!
PADDY GROANS
You a copper?
Does he owe you money?
No.
Wanna score, then?
How old are you?
Do you want it or not?
Bastard!
You were so confident at school, so "bring it on".
I thought you'd end up marrying Ryan Giggs,
- or living in London or something. - Chance'd be a fine thing.
So, how'd you end up marrying a Maguire, then?
I mean, it's a bit of an underachievement, isn't it?
Well, you got to settle for what you can get, haven't ya?
Going out, love?
MUSIC: Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division
We could always sell it, buy a house round here. We'd have cash to spare.
That's not the point.
I feel like a dick, banging on about better chances in life.
Yeah, well, what's this about?
Is this about Auntie Iris's house or your pride?
But it's Dad, though, going on about family and then he locks us out.
I hate the thought of proving him right.
Wait a minute - he locked you out?
Yeah, he threw us out, more like.
That's weird. Why would Dad volunteer to be on his own?
Who'd look after him?
She's using you, mate.
You do just as much around that place as she does. If not more.
What's this?
Not now, sweets - man talk.
Karen is off her head if she thinks she can run that place without you.
You want to draw a line in the sand and refuse to be pushed around.
Yeah, yeah, cheers, mate.
SHOUTING
I'll be supplying the flowers, the catering,
the cake, of course.
We've also got a full limousine service available and...
Fuck sake, Frank.
I'll just have a pint of lager and two Es.
Was it not Chairman Mao who said, "The party is all powerful"?
Think I'll leave you to it.
No, wait. You've not even seen the centrepieces on the tables...
Samantha please... Samantha!
I'm sorry. I tried to stop them, but you know what this lot are like.
Power cut at the Gallaghers... apparently.
You fucking bastard!
I'm saving you from yourself, Karen.
It's a Chatsworth spit'n'sawdust, not a Gretna Green B-and-fucking-B.
- Get the fuck out of my pub. - Your pub?
- It's my name on the door. Remember? - Like you'd let me fucking forget.
You've got a criminal record now, that's not good for business.
No, it's not about my record.
No, it's not. It's about all your records.
Clan Maguire.
I'd sell my fucking soul to the devil before I let you
get your claws into The Jockey.
Or maybe that's just the same thing.
Sign the application or I walk.
Never.
You may be able to fool the rest of them, but not me.
What the fuck do you want?
Do you know Mimi thinks you've got cancer?
How does that make you feel?
Mind your own business.
You're a junkie, Paddy.
I'm not a fucking junkie!
I've been there.
Big, scary,
invincible Paddy Maguire,
as vulnerable as the rest of us.
Leave me alone...please.
Jesus, you really are in deep.
I'm not.
First step is admitting it to yourself.
Help me.
Please.
Come here.
If you knew the shit you're gonna suffer trying to beat this,
you'd beg me to kill you now.
Karen?
You just had to see for yourself, didn't you...
Just open it.
You were always going to get it. We need somewhere round here.
Venues in the outlying area have to spend a fortune on security,
soon as they get a booking from Chatsworth.
I've got it.
(Joe) That's brilliant!
Well done!
SIGHS Mimo...
I phoned round all the hospitals, just in case.
Pathetic little "her indoors".
Then got Micky to drive me round, scouring the streets,
in case you'd been left in an alley, been in an accident.
We got back an hour ago.
Where were you?
Slept in the lock-up.
Any particular reason?
Needed some space.
Our marriage is hanging by a thread, Paddy, because you're lying to me.
Do you have cancer?
No.
No cancer.
I got myself involved in some business that I shouldn't have.
I'm not telling you because it will be nasty,
and the less you know, the better.
- Bullshit. - The less you know, the better.
Somebody's going to die, Mimi, here, close by,
for what was done to me.
And if you don't know, they can't link you to it.
Don't give up on me. I will handle it.
Oh...
Is this a family I see before me?
- You locked them out? - Yes, I did.
Prerogative of the disenfranchised father.
Bollocks.
You're a lot of things, Dad, but there is no way
you'd volunteer to be without your family. You'd be fucked.
Oh, would I?
Well, maybe I felt a dawning sense of liberation these past 24 hours.
You had six Es last night. Could be that.
He was making a point.
Why else would you lock 'em out?
Well, I don't know, smart-arse. You're the one with the answers.
- There is no house. - What?
He made it up.
- We were there, we heard the will. - I did not make it up.
I may have omitted a few facts.
- I fucking knew it! - It's the same principle.
Fucking greed, greed, greed...
Me, me, me, me!
Soon as they thought there was something in it...
We're not going. We decided that yesterday.
Oh, why? Were the stables too small?
No, because we want a family. Because we want you.
Thought about it, but something better came along.
He means you.
Yeah, I know what he means. Thank you.
Well, I hope you've all learned your lesson.
(Ian) Which is?
Think of your father before you think of others.
You are full of shit, Dad.
It's me job.
So what's happened with the house, then?
If you'd have read the small print,
you'd have realised that Auntie Iris resided temporarily in Alderley Edge,
amongst other places.
- You always knew there wasn't a house? - Yeah.
Iris was a degenerate gambler.
She lived like a gypsy her whole life, never had tuppence in her pocket.
So all that stuff about Castro and Frank Sinatra?
Yeah, all true.
She may have been the black sheep, but she lived a hell of a life.
That's why she was me favourite auntie, and I was her favourite lad.
From this box to her last box with nobody to say goodbye.
Oh...
Think she was trying to find her way home?
Looks like the mountain came to Mohammed.
- I found a buyer. - You've sold it already!
You can't look a gift horse, Debbie.
40 quid!
She was overdue on her ground rent a couple of years
and I've deducted my firm's expenses.
ALL LAUGH
Fucking old bitch.
DOOR BANGS
Oh, no. Not again.
You're a prostitute!
Have a look in the mirror, chum.
Face like yours is enough to make a working girl go straight.
- Mr Thompson? - She approached me!
I'm sure your wife'll understand, then. You thought it was a freebie!
What was that for?
There's something I need to tell you, about your dad.
I'm calling the police!
Go ahead. Maybe they'll put us in the same cell.
He's pushing you to get hold of heroin because he's using.
Come on, Shane, it were only a knock.
Shane?
ALL TALK AT ONCE
DOOR BANGS
(Mimi) Some people see coming home as a failure.
Oh, very good.
Like they haven't been able to do that whole wide world thing on their own.
Courtesy of Auntie Iris. Gallagher through and through.
- Nice one. - Hey, hey, hey...!
- Help yourselves, why don't you! - (Carl) Did you shake it up?
You shook it up, didn't ya?
But sometimes, coming home is the hardest thing to do.
But it's not a place you can hide.
Not from family, at least. Home is not some last desperate refuge.
SOBS Oh, Shane. Wake up, please.
An ambulance.
I...I need an ambulance.
It's where you can reach out for help and find the strength
to get back out there and prove the cunts wrong.
Me granddad's scally pigeon came home eventually.
Fed-Exed back from France in a box...
..what was left of the poor thing.
So in your opinion, should we be steering our focus groups
in the way of the beaver or the cock?
Like I tell my girls...
"Think cock, act beaver."
Questions?